Sex doesn't have to be
hard
Losing your erection — or worrying you will — can turn sex into an exam you're cramming for. As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I help gay, bi, straight, and queer men quiet the pressure, make peace with their bodies, and get back to sex that feels pleasurable, connected, and genuinely yours.
“Your pleasure does not have to revolve your erection”
Erectile concerns are one of the most common reasons men reach out to a sex therapist, and they're very workable — especially once we stop treating your penis like a performance metric and start treating it like a part of you.
When your body
won't cooperate.
Maybe it started with one night — you lost it while putting on a condom, during a hookup, or the first time with someone new. Then the next time, your brain was already watching, waiting for it to happen again. That's the spectator loop: anxiety flips on your body's threat response, the threat response shuts down arousal, and losing your erection confirms the fear you started with.
For most men I work with, erectile difficulty isn't purely physical or purely psychological — it's both, layered together. Heart health, diabetes, hormones, medications, alcohol, and substances can all play a role. So can anxiety, stress, shame, trauma, and tension in a relationship. That's why we look at the whole picture, and why I'll encourage you to loop in your doctor too.
Whatever brought you here, you are not broken, and you are not alone.
Your manhood isn't
measured in erections.
- “Always be ready.”
- “Never lose control.”
- “Stay hard. Get the job done.”
- “Handle it yourself — don't ask for help.”
From boyhood, most of us absorb a narrow, rigid version of masculinity: be strong, stay in control, never show weakness, and always be up for sex. Under that script, a man's worth gets measured by what his body can do — and nothing gets measured more harshly than his penis. An erection becomes proof you're a “real man.” Losing one can feel like proof that you're not.
Gay men aren't exempt from this — if anything, many of us carry it twice. A lot of us grew up being told, outright or quietly, that we weren't “man enough.” Some of us learned to compensate by chasing masc ideals and ranking ourselves (and each other) by how dominant, hard, or “top” we seem. Profiles that read “masc4masc” or “no fems” echo the same message. So when an erection fades, it can reopen an old wound: not just my body isn't cooperating, but I'm not enough of a man.
Toxic masculinity also keeps men from getting support. It teaches us to stay silent, push through alone, and treat vulnerability as failure. Reaching out about your erections isn't a failure of manhood — it takes real courage.
In our work, we untangle your sense of self from how your penis performs. We get curious about where your ideas of manhood came from, which ones you want to keep, and which ones you're ready to set down — so you can define masculinity on your own terms, or decide it doesn't need defining at all.
The pressures
gay men carry.
Most information about erectile dysfunction is written for straight men in straight relationships. Our sex lives come with a different script — and a different set of pressures that can follow us straight into the bedroom.
Choreography, not a benchmark
When your role becomes a job
High stakes, new partners
The things that mask anxiety
A nervous system on guard
Stereotypes in the bedroom
The stories that
keep you stuck.
A big part of our work is identifying the unhelpful myths running quietly in the background of your sex life — and replacing them with something truer and kinder. These are the ones I hear most.
Erections naturally rise and fall during any longer sexual encounter. They shift with attention, stimulation, position changes, condoms, laughter, and distraction. Expecting a nonstop erection for an entire session sets a standard almost no body meets.
When it softens, nothing has gone wrong. It can come back — especially when you stop chasing it.
Only if we define sex as penetration. Mouths, hands, bodies, toys, kissing, grinding, and plain old making out are all sex.
Taking penetration off the table for a while often removes the pressure that was blocking arousal in the first place.
Erections respond to your nervous system as much as your desire. You can be wildly attracted to someone and still lose your erection precisely because you're anxious about losing it.
The same goes for your partner: his erection isn't a referendum on you.
Firmness is one sensation among many. Ask most men about the best sex of their lives and they'll tell you how it felt — the connection, the heat, the laughter — not how rigid they were.
Pleasure doesn't require a perfect erection. Neither does orgasm.
ED medications are tools, not character flaws, and they can work well alongside therapy. What matters most is your relationship with your body and your sex life — with or without a pill.
If you use them, work with your prescriber and see the safety note in the FAQ below.
Erectile concerns are extremely common across ages and orientations — most men just never talk about it. Gay and bi men also navigate added layers like minority stress and porn-shaped expectations.
The silence is the problem, not you.
Acceptance,
compassion &
pleasure.
I draw on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), woven together with evidence-based sex therapy.
The goal isn't to force an erection. It's to change your relationship with your body so pleasure has room to show up — and to help you build a sex life you actually enjoy, not one you're constantly grading.
Look at the whole picture
We start with your history, health, relationships, and what's actually been happening in bed. Because erectile changes can be an early sign of heart or metabolic issues, I'll encourage a check-in with your doctor or a urologist — and I'm happy to coordinate care.
Name the myths and get unhooked
We identify the anxious thoughts and cultural scripts on repeat — “I'm going to lose it,” “He'll think I'm broken” — and practice noticing them without obeying them. Mindfulness gets you out of the spectator seat and back into your body.
Stop fighting your body
Here's the paradox: you can't will an erection into existence, and trying harder usually makes it worse. Acceptance means making room for whatever your body is doing — which is very often what lets arousal come back on its own.
Calm the threat system
Anxiety and self-criticism activate your brain's threat system, and the threat system has zero interest in sex. Compassion-focused practices help soothe that alarm and build a kinder inner voice toward yourself and your body.
Reconnect with your own pleasure
Solo practice is often where the shift begins. Through private at-home exercises, you'll explore slow, curious, pressure-free self-pleasure — letting erections come and go, following sensation, and getting to know your body without an audience.
Bring it back to partners
When you're ready, we build partnered sex around what you actually value — connection, playfulness, presence — with communication tools and sensate-focus-style exercises. Partners are welcome to join sessions if that fits your situation.
Finding love
for your penis.
Let's be honest: a lot of us have a complicated relationship with our dicks. We compare them in locker rooms, on the apps, in porn. We grade them on size, shape, and stamina. And the moment one doesn't perform on cue, we treat it like an employee on a final warning.
It's hard to feel turned on by a part of yourself you're constantly criticizing. Together, we practice relating to your penis — and your whole body — with curiosity, warmth, and even appreciation. That might look like compassionate self-talk, mindful touch that has nothing to do with getting hard, or writing a letter to your body. (Yes, really.)
Your penis isn't a tool you have to keep sharp. It's part of you — sensitive, responsive, and deserving of the same kindness you'd offer anyone you care about.
A new way to
keep score.
Most men measure sex with metrics that feed anxiety. In therapy, we trade them in for questions that actually describe good sex — how satisfying, pleasurable, and connected it feels.
- How hard was I?
- Did I stay hard the whole time?
- How long did I last?
- Did I come at the “right” moment?
- Did I perform the way I was supposed to?
- How did it feel?
- Was I present in my body?
- Did I feel connected — to him, or to myself?
- Was it playful, pleasurable, and satisfying?
- Did I feel free to be fully myself?
What folx
usually ask.
Who is ED therapy with you for?
Gay, bi, queer, and questioning men, plus trans and nonbinary folx with penises who have sex with men. Single, partnered, monogamous, open, or somewhere in between — all are welcome.
Should I see a doctor first?
I strongly recommend a medical check-in. Erectile changes can be an early sign of cardiovascular, hormonal, or metabolic issues, and some medications affect erections. You don't need to wait for that appointment to start therapy — medical and psychological care work best side by side.
Can I take Viagra or Cialis while in therapy?
Yes. Medication and therapy aren't either/or, and plenty of clients use both.
One critical safety note: never combine ED medications like sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis) with poppers or other nitrates — together they can cause a dangerous drop in blood pressure. Talk with your prescriber about everything you take, including any HIV treatment.
Do I need to bring my partner?
No. Many clients do this work individually. If you have a partner (or partners) who want to be involved, we can include them in some or all sessions.
What happens in sessions? Is there any touch?
Sex therapy is talk therapy over secure telehealth. There is never physical touch or nudity in session. Any exercises — like mindful self-pleasure practices — happen privately at home on your own time, and we talk through them together.
Do you accept insurance?
I'm in-network with Cigna. For other plans, I'm an out-of-network provider and can provide superbills for potential reimbursement.
“Good sex isn't measured by how hard you are. It's measured by how it feels — and how free you feel to be yourself in it.”
Ready to trade pressure
for pleasure?
Free 20-minute consult · No commitment · Telehealth in CA, WA, NY & OR