What are you in the mood for? Why you should treat Mismatched Libido Like Picking a Restaurant
We’ve all been there. You’ve had a long day, you’re starving, and you have a very specific craving for Thai food. You can practically taste the Panang curry. You turn to your partner, expecting them to be on the same page, only for them to say: "Honestly? I’m not really hungry. I had a late lunch, and the thought of heavy food makes me feel kind of bleh."
In the world of dinner, this isn’t a tragedy. You might grab a snack, or they might sit with you while you eat. You certainly don't go into the bathroom and cry because they "don't find your taste in food attractive anymore”. Odds are you negotiate a compromise that works for both of you.
Yet, when it comes to Desire Discrepancy—the clinical term for when one partner wants sex more than the other—we treat it like a catastrophic rejection of our entire being. As a gay sex therapist, I’m here to tell you: Sex is just another appetite. And once we stop treating it like a performance review, we can actually start having fun again and be connected to our partners in fun and creative ways.
It’s a Difference of Mood, Not a Vote of No-Confidence
In gay relationships, we often fall into the trap of thinking that because we are both men, our "drives" should be identical—constantly high and perfectly synced. We are bombarded by messaging and images of gay men being “hypersexual” and always ready for hot, steamy sex. When they aren't, the partner with the higher desire feels rejected, and the partner with the lower desire feels pressured or broken.
We need to shift the language and mindset. When your partner isn't "in the mood", it’s rarely a rejection of you. It’s a reflection of their current internal appetite or desire.
The Reframe:
Instead of thinking "He doesn't want me" or “I’m not sexually desired by my partner” when you are turned down by your partner try: "We have a difference of opinion on the 'menu' tonight." Taking the sting out of the 'No' allows the 'No' to be safe. And when 'No' is safe, 'Yes' becomes much more authentic and initiating sex becomes less contaminated with shame and fear.
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Who’s Ordering?
Part of the "dinner" struggle is that we experience hunger differently. This is normal and to be expected in all relationships. In sex therapy, we talk about two main types of desire:
Spontaneous Desire: This is the "Hunger out of nowhere". You’re walking down the street, and suddenly, you want sex. You are the one who decides where to eat before you even see a restaurant.
Responsive Desire: This is the "I wasn't hungry until I smelled the garlic". You might feel neutral about sex, but once the physical touch starts, the "appetite" kicks in. Or you might need a little help getting your sexual engine revving.
If you are waiting for "the spark" to hit both of you at the exact same time like a lightning bolt, you might be waiting forever. You engage in a form of sexual chicken. Many gay men—especially those in long-term partnerships—rely heavily on responsive desire. They need the "appetizer" (cuddling, kissing, massage) to realize they’re actually hungry for the "main course".
How to Initiate Without the "Ick"
Initiating sex shouldn't feel like a high-stakes gamble. If we use our dinner analogy, you wouldn't demand your partner eat a five-course meal while they're full. You’d check in.
1. The "Soft" Check-In Instead of going straight for the "main event", try checking on the mood. "I’m feeling really connected to you and a little frisky. How are you feeling about sex tonight?" This gives your partner space to check their "internal menu" without feeling pressured.
2. Respecting the "No" (and the "Maybe") If the answer is "I’m not really there tonight", accept it with the same grace and open mindedness you’d use if they didn't want Thai food. A simple, "Totally get it. Is there any form of physical intimacy you’d be open to tonight" removes the shame and keeps the intimacy alive. This also invites curiosity and creative problem solving into your dynamic, which is the secret to a long and happy relationship. Partnerships love projects!
3. The "Low-Stakes" Invitation Sometimes, you can offer an appetizer. "I know you're tired (or not in the mood for sex), but could we cuddle for ten minutes. No pressure for it to go anywhere else". This respects consent while allowing responsive desire a chance to show up. If the appetite doesn't come? No big deal. You still got some cuddle time.
Moving Forward
Desire discrepancy is a normal part of every long-term relationship. It’s not a sign that the "spark is gone"; it’s a sign that you are two different people with two different biological rhythms.
When we stop viewing a "No" as a rejection and start viewing it as a logistical difference in appetite, the shame evaporates. You can stop being "The Rejected One" or "The Pressured One" and go back to being two partners navigating life—and dinner—together.
Don't let your sex life become another source of decision fatigue. Grab my Sunday Menu Worksheet to help you and your partner sync up your drives, understand responsive desire, and keep the shame off the table.
Still struggling to sync up your "menus"? I specialize in helping queer couples navigate intimacy, communication, and the nuances of desire. If you're in CA, NY, WA, or OR, let's talk. Schedule Now!
