The Gay Sex Therapist — Blog

Your Attraction Is Yours

Harry Dixon — Mon, 31 Aug 2026 23:53:54 GMT

I remember a day in my multicultural counseling class as a graduate student. I was innocently chatting with another student about attraction, and I mentioned that I found myself more attracted to White men than to men of other races. I didn't realize my professor had been listening, and without missing a beat, she responded, “Harry, that's a form of internalized racism, because you've been taught to elevate Whiteness and to see them as more attractive than others”. I remember being shocked and taken aback. I was just starting to come out, and now I was afraid that if I dated a White man, I was somehow doing something wrong.

I truly think this conversation set my dating life back years. I already carried enough trauma and baggage from my religious and culturally conservative childhood — enough to make coming out and dating as a gay man difficult. Now the added fear that I was somehow engaging in a form of racism, or possibly going to cause myself some unnamed harm by dating the Colonizer, was just too much.

What no one taught me was that attraction is complicated. There is no one-size-fits-all model for it. Yes, many different factors may go into the why and the how, but at the end of the day, attraction is a subjective feeling. We may not always know the why and the how.

I have come across many other Asian and BIPOC men who struggle similarly. Many of us worry that who we find ourselves attracted to makes us harmful, or tells others that we're okay with being fetishized or tokenized. Some of us forego relationships altogether out of this fear, and even shame ourselves for it.

That shame is the true harm. Shame drives disconnection. It makes us lonely and causes us so much pain and grief — all of it for something many of us cannot control, all of it because we are afraid to allow ourselves to be our truest selves.

I don't think my professor meant to cause harm the way she did. I truly believe she was trying to tell me to reflect, to think, to be mindful of my attraction. But she also placed an enormous amount of shame on me. And that's what gets misunderstood in these conversations: no one should be made to feel ashamed of their attraction. By telling someone their attraction is wrong or harmful, you are shaming them. You are teaching them to doubt loving someone — and you can't build a relationship on doubt.

So instead of assuming an Asian or BIPOC person is enacting a racist or tokenizing stereotype when you see them in an interracial relationship, take the time to understand their relationship.

Years later, I realized that my professor was inviting me to reflect on my attraction, not shame it. Reflection was never supposed to make me doubt who I'm drawn to. It was supposed to teach me discernment: the ability to tell the difference between attraction, which is mine and needs no defense, and fetishization, which belongs to whoever is doing it to me. Shame collapses that distinction. It tells you the problem lives inside your own desire, so you turn inward and interrogate the one thing you can't control — and all the while, you never learn to spot the actual harm when it walks toward you.

Discernment does the opposite. It lets you hold your attraction with curiosity instead of suspicion, and it hands you the clarity to name what you will not accept from someone else. Attraction is yours. It rises up on its own, and it doesn't owe anyone an explanation. The work was never to interrogate our desire — it was to build enough self-trust that we could stop mistaking our own hearts for the thing that harms us.

None of this means our preferences form in a vacuum. Of course they don't. The media we grew up on, the faces held up as desirable, the beauty standards handed to us by a culture steeped in white supremacy — all of it shapes the landscape of who we notice and who we're taught to want. My professor wasn't wrong that these forces exist. Where I think she erred was in collapsing that broad, structural truth onto a single student in a single moment, as though my attraction were a personal moral failing rather than one small expression of a world none of us designed. Naming a pattern across a culture is analysis. Aiming it at one person's heart is shame. And shame, it turns out, is remarkably bad at helping anyone examine anything.

So to the Asian and BIPOC men carrying this quietly: you don't have to earn your way out of shame to deserve connection. You just have to let yourself be your truest self, and trust that who you love is allowed to be part of that. That's not internalized racism. That’s owning your sexuality. That's coming home to yourself.

Let’s Get It On: Redefining Pleasure and Reclaiming Your Sex Life for Gay Men

Harry Dixon — Mon, 09 Feb 2026 18:00:37 GMT

In the world of gay dating and hookup culture, there’s an unspoken script that often dictates how sex "should" go. Usually, it’s a high-speed race toward a very specific finish line: penetration and orgasm. While those things are great, sticking strictly to that script can turn sex into a performance, which can quickly become a source of anxiety if you don’t perform the way you think you should.

My Story: The Sex That "Wasn't"

I remember my very first sexual encounter with another man being mutual masturbation. I remember afterward he asked, “So, how was your first time having sex?” and I replied, “That wasn't sex, was it?”

We shared a laugh, but internally, I was deeply embarrassed. I didn't code that encounter as "sex" because I hadn't been taught to. This experience highlights the massive gap in sex education for gay and queer folks. Most sex ed focuses on cisgender bodies and penis-in-vagina sex for the purposes of procreation. We are taught that orgasm is the penultimate goal, which sets us up for a frantic “Race to Orgasm” every time we get intimate.

We aren't taught that sex can be pleasurable, playful, and creative and that it does not always have to involve penetration. This narrow view robs us of the validity of our experiences and creates a breeding ground for misinformation and shame. When we realize that sex is any shared physical intimacy that centers pleasure and connection, we stop trying to live up to an unrealistic standard and start listening to our bodies and start meeting our sexual needs more effectively.

The Secret Science of arousal: The Dual Control Model

To understand how to move away from performance, we have to understand how our brains actually process "getting in the mood". According to the Dual Control Model, popularized by researchers like Emily Nagoski, we all have two distinct systems:

The Sexual Excitation System (The Accelerator): This scans for "sexy" cues—sights, smells, or a specific touch—and sends the signal to "go"
The Sexual Inhibition System (The Brakes): This scans for reasons not to be turned on, like stress, fear of judgment, penis or genitalia shame, or body dysmorphia.

In the gay and queer community, our "brakes" are often hyper-sensitive due to years of navigating a world that hasn't always been safe for us and poor sex education. We may also obsess over the "race to orgasm" which is a major way to hit the brakes as it can turn sex into a chore or task rather than a fun, playful, intimate moment with our partner(s). By shifting focus to non-genital erogenous zones, we aren't just adding "gas"; we are expanding our sexual menu. When the brakes are released, the pleasure of the "accelerator" can finally take over.

Reclaiming the "Why": The Radical Importance of Desire and Pleasure

For many gay men, sex has historically been framed through the lens of performance. We often approach the bedroom with a "to-do" list: stay hard, look good, hit the finish line. Gay porn is full of these “to-do’s”.

But centering desire and pleasure is a radical act of self-love. It’s about reclaiming your right to want, to be sexy, attractive, and desirable. Desire isn't just a biological switch; it’s a living thing that requires curiosity. By focusing on what actually feels good rather than what we think we should be doing, we give ourselves permission to be present. In a world that marginalizes gay and queer folx, pursuing pleasure for its own sake is a powerful form of healing.

What Exactly Is an Erogenous Zone?

Most people think an erogenous zone is just a "magic button". In reality, an erogenous zone is any area of the body with a high concentration of nerve endings that, when stimulated, can trigger a pleasurable or sexual response.

Crucially, these zones are biopsychosocial. Whether a touch feels erotic or just ok depends on your mental state. By expanding your definition of these zones, you are essentially training your brain to find pleasure in places you’ve previously ignored.

Mapping Your Pleasure: The Overlooked Zones

Erogenous zones are not just our genitals. Our biggest organ, skin, has a lot of nerve endings that registers things like temperature, pressure, touch, and connection. Here are a few often-overlooked erogenous zones to explore:

The Nape of the Neck: Highly sensitive to breath and light touch; a high-voltage zone for building tension.
The Inner Thighs: The skin here is thinner and more sensitive, making it a powerful "tease" zone.
The Lower Back and Sacrum: Densely packed with nerves that connect directly to the pelvic floor.
The Scalp: Gentle tugging or fingertip grazing can trigger a massive release of oxytocin.

Shifting the Goal: From "Did You Finish?" to "How Does This Feel?"

Shame thrives on unrealistic expectations. Let’s look at how to lower the stakes**:**

Rather than focusing on The Race to Orgasm, try Sensory Exploration, where you and your partner(s) explore and map erogenous zones to connect and unlock new ways of accessing pleasure and desire.

Rather than focusing on your performance, try mindfulness and bringing your focus back to the present moment. Focus on your pleasure and the sensations of sex.

Also remember, sex does not always have to be penetrative. Play with positions, switch to mutual masturbation or oral (side play). Again focus on pleasure and fun.

Check out this helpful worksheet to help you and your partner (s) map erogenous zones and unlock new and pleasurable ways to get aroused together.

Final Thoughts: Your Body is Not a Machine

The goal of sex shouldn't be to "finish" a task. Whether it’s mutual masturbation, body-rubbing, or deep kissing, it all "counts". When we expand our definition of sex to center around pleasure and play, we find ourselves more deeply connected to ourselves and others.

Life is too short for bad sex!

If you or your partner(s) need help unlocking arousal and desire and understanding your erogenous zones and pleasure on a deeper level? Reach out now and schedule a consult call today!

What are you in the mood for? Why you should treat Mismatched Libido Like Picking a Restaurant

Harry Dixon — Tue, 03 Feb 2026 20:29:03 GMT

We’ve all been there. You’ve had a long day, you’re starving, and you have a very specific craving for Thai food. You can practically taste the Panang curry. You turn to your partner, expecting them to be on the same page, only for them to say: "Honestly? I’m not really hungry. I had a late lunch, and the thought of heavy food makes me feel kind of bleh."

In the world of dinner, this isn’t a tragedy. You might grab a snack, or they might sit with you while you eat. You certainly don't go into the bathroom and cry because they "don't find your taste in food attractive anymore”. Odds are you negotiate a compromise that works for both of you.

Yet, when it comes to Desire Discrepancy—the clinical term for when one partner wants sex more than the other—we treat it like a catastrophic rejection of our entire being. As a gay sex therapist, I’m here to tell you: Sex is just another appetite. And once we stop treating it like a performance review, we can actually start having fun again and be connected to our partners in fun and creative ways.

It’s a Difference of Mood, Not a Vote of No-Confidence

In gay relationships, we often fall into the trap of thinking that because we are both men, our "drives" should be identical—constantly high and perfectly synced. We are bombarded by messaging and images of gay men being “hypersexual” and always ready for hot, steamy sex. When they aren't, the partner with the higher desire feels rejected, and the partner with the lower desire feels pressured or broken.

We need to shift the language and mindset. When your partner isn't "in the mood", it’s rarely a rejection of you. It’s a reflection of their current internal appetite or desire.

The Reframe:

Instead of thinking "He doesn't want me" or “I’m not sexually desired by my partner” when you are turned down by your partner try: "We have a difference of opinion on the 'menu' tonight." Taking the sting out of the 'No' allows the 'No' to be safe. And when 'No' is safe, 'Yes' becomes much more authentic and initiating sex becomes less contaminated with shame and fear.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Who’s Ordering?

Part of the "dinner" struggle is that we experience hunger differently. This is normal and to be expected in all relationships. In sex therapy, we talk about two main types of desire:

Spontaneous Desire: This is the "Hunger out of nowhere". You’re walking down the street, and suddenly, you want sex. You are the one who decides where to eat before you even see a restaurant.
Responsive Desire: This is the "I wasn't hungry until I smelled the garlic". You might feel neutral about sex, but once the physical touch starts, the "appetite" kicks in. Or you might need a little help getting your sexual engine revving.

If you are waiting for "the spark" to hit both of you at the exact same time like a lightning bolt, you might be waiting forever. You engage in a form of sexual chicken. Many gay men—especially those in long-term partnerships—rely heavily on responsive desire. They need the "appetizer" (cuddling, kissing, massage) to realize they’re actually hungry for the "main course".

How to Initiate Without the "Ick"

Initiating sex shouldn't feel like a high-stakes gamble. If we use our dinner analogy, you wouldn't demand your partner eat a five-course meal while they're full. You’d check in.

1. The "Soft" Check-In Instead of going straight for the "main event", try checking on the mood. "I’m feeling really connected to you and a little frisky. How are you feeling about sex tonight?" This gives your partner space to check their "internal menu" without feeling pressured.

2. Respecting the "No" (and the "Maybe") If the answer is "I’m not really there tonight", accept it with the same grace and open mindedness you’d use if they didn't want Thai food. A simple, "Totally get it. Is there any form of physical intimacy you’d be open to tonight" removes the shame and keeps the intimacy alive. This also invites curiosity and creative problem solving into your dynamic, which is the secret to a long and happy relationship. Partnerships love projects!

3. The "Low-Stakes" Invitation Sometimes, you can offer an appetizer. "I know you're tired (or not in the mood for sex), but could we cuddle for ten minutes. No pressure for it to go anywhere else". This respects consent while allowing responsive desire a chance to show up. If the appetite doesn't come? No big deal. You still got some cuddle time.

Moving Forward

Desire discrepancy is a normal part of every long-term relationship. It’s not a sign that the "spark is gone"; it’s a sign that you are two different people with two different biological rhythms.

When we stop viewing a "No" as a rejection and start viewing it as a logistical difference in appetite, the shame evaporates. You can stop being "The Rejected One" or "The Pressured One" and go back to being two partners navigating life—and dinner—together.

Don't let your sex life become another source of decision fatigue. Grab my Sunday Menu Worksheet to help you and your partner sync up your drives, understand responsive desire, and keep the shame off the table.

Still struggling to sync up your "menus"? I specialize in helping queer couples navigate intimacy, communication, and the nuances of desire. If you're in CA, NY, WA, or OR, let's talk. Schedule Now!

Navigating Common Sexual Challenges in Gay and Queer Relationships

Harry Dixon — Wed, 15 Jan 2025 00:11:46 GMT

Sexual challenges are a natural part of relationships, but they can often feel isolating.

Almost everyone experiences sexual difficulties at some point in their lives. It’s as universal as catching a cold—yet far less discussed. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding sexual issues can leave people feeling isolated and reluctant to seek help. This silence can worsen problems or lead to additional struggles. Let’s break down these barriers by acknowledging how common these challenges are and exploring ways to address them.

It’s Normal to Encounter Sexual Challenges

Sexual issues in relationships are incredibly common, and while that doesn’t make them any less uncomfortable or painful, it does highlight how universal this experience is. Nearly everyone will face sexual challenges at some point and often they will occur more intensely within a sexual relationship. Here are some of the most common ones in gay and queer relationships:

1. Desire Discrepancy

Sexual differences in relationships can take on many different forms. One of the most common is when one partner may have a higher sex drive, while the other is content with less frequent intimacy. This mismatch can lead to frustration, resentment, and misunderstandings. It can also create and/or worsen feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

A related issue arises when partners have different preferences for the type of intimacy they enjoy, leading to dissatisfaction or even a breakdown in physical connection. Good effective communication, curiosity, and mutual understanding that people can be and are different are key to navigating these differences. Learning that a partner’s needs can be met in different ways is also key to resolving discrepancies.

2. Internalized Homophobia and Minority Stress

Many gay and queer individuals grow up in environments that stigmatize their identity, which can lead to feelings of shame or unworthiness. These internalized messages, coupled with societal pressures or cultural biases, can affect intimacy and self-esteem in relationships. Learning to identify, challenge, and replace the negative shame stories can help to increase sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

3. Premature Ejaculation (PE)

PE affects 30-40% of men at some point and can create feelings of inadequacy and shame. Open communication, curiosity to learn about one’s body, acceptance of who you are, and professional guidance can often help couples address and overcome this issue.

4. Painful Intercourse

Anal sex, common in gay relationships, can sometimes be painful due to a lack of education on preparation and anatomy. Issues like anal fissures, hemorrhoids, or STIs can happen as a result of poor sex education and poor preparation and communication amongst partners. Addressing these concerns with proper guidance and care can significantly improve the experience.

5. Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

ED, or difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection, is another common issue that can have drastic psychological causes. Many men measure their sexual ability through the ability to have, maintain, and sustain an erection. This is reinforced through porn and media, so that when men lose their erection it is directly tied to their self-worth. Seeking medical advice and exploring the negative stories, shame, and underlying fears as wells exploring non-penetrative forms of sex can help couples reconnect and maintain a satisfying sexual relationship.

6. Challenges Communicating Desires

Many individuals struggle to identify or share what truly excites them in the bedroom. Fear of judgment or rejection can lead to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection. Open conversations can transform these challenges into moments of deeper intimacy.

7. Body Image Concerns

Body image issues are prevalent in the gay community, where high standards of appearance are often emphasized. These insecurities can lead to avoidance of intimacy or a lack of confidence in sexual situations. Building self-acceptance and focusing on mutual appreciation can foster a healthier dynamic.

8. Performance Anxiety

Pressure to meet unrealistic expectations, often influenced by pornography, can create performance anxiety. This cycle of fear and perceived failure can be addressed through reassurance, realistic goal-setting, and support from a professional if needed.

9. Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation can result from various factors, including medication, stress, or unresolved emotional concerns. Addressing the root causes can help partners reconnect and rediscover pleasure.

10. Infidelity

When agreements around monogamy or openness are broken, feelings of hurt and mistrust often follow. Clear communication and professional counseling can help couples navigate this sensitive issue.

11. History of Sexual Trauma

Past trauma can profoundly impact sexual relationships, leading to avoidance or disconnection. Working with a qualified therapist can help individuals and couples address these challenges, rebuild trust, and rediscover intimacy.

How to Address Sexual Challenges in Your Relationship

While these issues may feel daunting, the good news is that they’re almost always treatable. Whether through therapy, education, medical intervention, or open communication, solutions are available.

Even when specific challenges persist, individuals and couples can still build a fulfilling sex life by redefining intimacy beyond traditional expectations. Remember, connection is about more than just physical acts—it’s about understanding, trust, and shared joy.

Talking openly about sexual concerns is the first step toward resolution. If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship, support is available. Reach out to learn how Harry Dixon, MA, LMHC, LPCC, LPC, can help you move forward. Schedule an appointment today!

Am I big Enough?: Tips for Gay Men on Dealing with Penis Envy

Harry Dixon — Mon, 13 Jan 2025 22:50:27 GMT

One of the most common issues that I deal with when working with gay and MSM clients in sex therapy is penis envy. Penis envy is a complex emotion that can affect individuals across many walks of life, including gay men. Rooted in societal pressures, insecurities, and often worsened by media portrayals of masculinity and porn, it can often lead to negative self-perception and an unsatisfying sex life. Here are some tips to help you navigate and manage penis envy in a healthy, affirming way.

1. Befriend your penis and your body

Because of the shame and silence around sex, many of us have learned to be ashamed of our bodies or to not fully understand the sexual side of our physiology. Become familiar with your body and penis, and take time to fully explore and discover your erogenous zones, your turn ons, and your turn offs. Masturbation can be more than a quickie, take your time, listen to your body, and get turned on
Understand that if you do not understand your body, you can end up being harmed when you engage sexually with others. For example, for my uncut men if you do not speak out about how to handle your foreskin, a cut partner might grip or stroke too hard which can cause pain!
Recognize that every body develops through complex and mysterious factors that we do not understand. We don’t have a good conclusive answer as to why penile variation exists
Take time to talk openly and frankly with trusted people, sexual partners, significant others, or experts about your penis and body. You’ll probably discover everyone has a different take, outlook, or opinion that are not always shaming. Some people like smaller penises because bottoming might be less uncomfortable. Some people do not like penetrative sex at all. The more you know about others, the more you can challenge unhelpful and shaming media and porn messages.

2. Challenge Unhelpful Comparisons; Become a porn connoisseur

Understand that sex sells, so it’s in the interest of media and porn studios to display the hottest and most arousing people possible
Become a porn connoisseur, and mindfully watch porn. You can usually see the edits and cuts where studios splice videos and scenes together to give false impressions
Watch the BTS content, some studios release behind the scenes videos. Watching them can help you see that the final cut is not reality.
Remember that what you see in media or even real life doesn’t define your worth.

3. Explore the Root of Your Feelings and Internalized Stories

Penis envy often stems from deeper feelings of inadequacy or a fear of not being desirable. Often these can come from moments of intolerance and homophobia. For example, for folks who come from religious backgrounds, they may have been told that they were unloveable due to their homosexuality, and that the only way to redeem oneself would be to perform prayers, rituals, and/or commit to celibacy. Thus, when this story of conditional acceptance plays out as “if only I had a penis that was… then I’ll be worthy of love”. Exploring these feelings with a therapist or through introspection can uncover underlying insecurities and help you process them in a constructive way.
Seek out a counselor experienced in LGBTQ+ issues for a safe space to talk about the negative impacts of shame and silence around sexuality.
Journaling about your thoughts and emotions can also provide clarity.

5. Engage with Supportive Communities

Surrounding yourself with supportive and understanding friends or groups can create a sense of belonging. Hearing others share their experiences can also provide comfort and insight.
Foster friendships that celebrate diversity and authenticity, and ones that talk about sex openly and honestly. While hypersexuality in the gay community can get a bad reputation, talking openly and authentically about sexuality can be useful in helping one challenge and replace negative and unhelpful stories about penis size. Think about how helpful hearing a story from a friend about a successful and pleasurable sexual encounter with someone with a micropenis could be, or maybe even a conversation about how a sexual partner with a less girthy penis with the right curve sent a friend into sexual ecstasy.

6. Redefine Masculinity and Sexuality

Societal ideas of masculinity and sexual prowess often emphasize physical traits. Challenge these norms by embracing a broader, more inclusive view of what it means to be masculine and desirable. Focus on qualities like kindness, humor, and emotional depth.
Read books or watch documentaries that explore diverse representations of masculinity.
Remind yourself that true connection and intimacy go far beyond physical attributes.

7. Practice Compassion Toward Yourself

It’s okay to have insecurities—it’s a part of being human. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Give yourself the grace to grow and heal. You are human and there’s no right or wrong way to be human.
Use affirmations to counteract negative thoughts (e.g., “I am enough as I am”).
Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend experiencing similar emotions.
Understand that you can engage in sex and with your penis in a multitude of different ways that can be shared and experienced with others and your self. Sexual pleasure is a part of life, but not everyone accesses it the same way. We all have to communicate and share with others how we want to play with them.

Penis envy is an uncomfortable and frightening emotional state, but it can be managed when approached with patience, self-compassion, and self-love. By fostering a positive self-image, challenging harmful comparisons, and seeking support when needed, you can build confidence and celebrate your unique self. Remember, you are more than any one physical characteristic—you are a whole, valuable, and extraordinary person. As Brene Brown wrote, “You are imperfect, you are wired to struggle, and you are worthy of love and belonging”.

If you’re looking for a sex therapist who understands penis envy and looking to dive deeper into the roots of your insecurities and fears, reach out to me today and let’s get started!